09/28/2022
The bed nearly entombed me; once again I had become a hostage to my thoughts, and I languished, for hours, in the eerie quiet of the darkened room. The life I lived, for self and self only, no matter the cost for or to others, friends and family alike, dispensed me, sooner than it should have to this place of confinement; I had learned well, from my earthly father, the ways of debauchery, and it only seemed fitting that I should surpass the extent of his frivolities. I remember vividly the day of his death, before he would take his last breath, noticing his eyes, so very telling, void of any life, and somehow knew that I too, would be, without any future purpose, as he was that day. Yet still, I had refused to change. I was who I was, nothing less, nothing more; I now found myself as he once was, seemingly mimicking his final days.
There was a stench, one that lingered and though I had become used to it, I could see with my eyes the source of its smell; my bedding, disheveled, stained, dirty, and long overdue for a thorough cleansing, was wrinkled beneath my emaciated, increasingly weary body and I was helpless to remedy its effects. The “palsy” had, with time, deteriorated any physicality I once possessed and it, along with my will, now surrendered to my fate, imprisoned me in the totality of my situation.
The acquaintances of my past, those that lived ungodly lives with me, would periodically stop in to help in small ways, but recently those visits became fewer and fewer as my sickness progressed until, one day, they simply stopped. I was alone and the quiet which I earlier longed for when I first became ill, now hovered around me, taunting me with its full offering.
There was however, one of my friends, who had recently stopped in to see me and spoke of an encounter he had with a man named Jesus. He, my friend, spoke with such optimism, that was so unlike him, and he recounted the experience, every detail crisp within his mind and coming forth fluently in his words. I, over the years, had seen him many times at his worst yet now saw him, anew, and though my eyes teared as I listened to his witness, I was too far gone, ill deserving of any good in my life with no desire to be anything or anywhere but with my newfound friend, alone. I had succumbed, finally, to my destiny and impatiently waited for my end to come; the sooner the better.
The next morning, to my demise, rays of light cascaded down, through and around the casement of the door upon my eyes awakening me to another unwanted day. I slowly closed my eyes once more, hoping sleep would remove me from my existence a bit longer, but there was a stir outside and though I could not see it, I could hear my fellow neighbors and sensed something was happening within our little village.
Then suddenly, and to my surprise, the door which had long been closed, literally and figuratively, swung open with intensity and my friend, the one that had spoken to me of Jesus earlier, and three of his friends, came in without warning, without discussion, and simply took up my frail body upon the bed that had almost encapsulated me completely. I asked him repeatedly where he was taking me only to be met with silence and an urgency that I could see in his eyes and that too of his friends as well.
There was a large crowd, vying to meet the man, this Jesus, that they all were talking about. It was chaos, throngs of people pushing, shoving, desperately trying to position themselves for an encounter with him. As we weaved in and amongst them, there was a wave of overwhelming anticipation and expectation, easily detected, that flooded the souls of all that were clamoring to see him. A few short moments later, as our progression slowed, we stopped, abruptly, still quite a distance away from the entrance of the small home that supposedly he was occupying. I heard my friend speaking with the others but could not make out what they were discussing yet their resolve was quite evident in their body language; for what purpose I still was unsure?
Immediately, they changed course, went around the ever-growing horde towards the back of the home and gently laid me down upon the ground. They quickly rummaged for anything that would assist them as they began to scale the back side of the small home. Then, without warning, and to my utter surprise, roof tiles came flying down and around near to where they had positioned me. They beckoned a few other men that were near to the scene and before I knew it, they were lifting me up and onto the roof of the home; I was unaware of their plan until I saw the gaping hole in the roof top. Without hesitation, and with a greater sense of urgency, they lowered me down, carefully, and into His presence. I felt so unworthy, yet, as I looked into His eyes, and He to mine, they would, tell me otherwise. For a moment He looked away and up, fixating His face and gaze to that of my friends, hesitating as in deep thought, and then repositioned His eyes once again upon me. He said to me in a most calm, yet powerful, intimate tone… “Man, thy sins are forgiven thee” and a few moments later, “arise, and take up thy couch…”
Father I am almost fearful to pray; I have wept much over the passage of old and ask that in your great mercy, forgive me if I have embellished the story and its significance. You have shown me so vividly, with such clarity, not just the love you possess in that of yourself, but, in those, that would dare to attach themselves to you. This story, of a man, unworthy at best, speaking not a singular word, was granted that day, a new life with you. It was not anything that he obviously might have said, but rather, as you noted, “the faith of his friends” and the love, your love, that consumed them to the point of absurd action for a man, underserving, lost, and incapable of helping himself. It was not enough for his friends to simply accept what you had done in their lives, to carry on with their lives for reasons of self, but rather were driven by a love that you had graciously given them, a love that simply could not be contained within their beings. It needed an outlet and what better way to express than to allow it to be poured out on one that was in desperate need of your touch, your glance, and your presence?!
Recently Father you spoke to me with equal lucidity and challenge regarding the ten virgins, awaiting the coming of your Son. All ten virgins had lamps, but unfortunately, only five had oil within, the other “foolish” five did not. You were to come and “the five without” asked “the five with” to share their oil with them only to find themselves turned away and left to their own accord. I struggled, even now still, immensely, with this action on the part of those prepared, full of the anointing if you will. If we were all true to ourselves, undertaking an intense inward meditation, would, without hesitation, proclaim that your gift of salvation, of a new life, now, and upon this earth is of the greatest importance to us. We know of its great significance, the ultimate sacrifice filled with much pain, and greater suffering, that Jesus alone had to endure for its fulfillment. Forgive me Lord for what follows, as I am sure it will upset more than a few that might consider the contemplations of a man still without knowledge but ask I must. Why Father, did those that had oil, that were readied for your coming, turn away those in need and send them away, further still from you? Why not rather hold their lamp in one hand and offer their empty hand, to be grasped, encouraging, pleading with those found lacking, to take hold? Unwilling, to the point of incapable of proceeding, even for themselves, to enter in knowing with a certainty that others perished without. How…how can we be so selfish still? Could they not have, at the least, led them towards the door and as with the man with the palsy, into your very presence? I have asked myself repeatedly, what would have become of the man with palsy, as we know nothing of his back story other than he was incapable physically, and spoke not a word to Jesus, had he not been led and laid at your feet by those filled to overflowing with your love? Is there a difference here Lord between the intended recipients? Might you have looked upon the faith of the “five with” and granted those that had accepted the hands of guidance the same love that the man with palsy received?
I am, lost, lost in my contemplations Father, powerless to just let go of our meditations with one another and live on… “they overcame him by the blood of the lamb, and by the word of their testimony, and they loved not their lives even unto the death.” “Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone, but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit.” “I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless, I live, yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.”
It is too much, your love is too great, too wonderful to be held for self any longer, even to the extent Father that there must be self-sacrifice, daily, and for some elect few, martyrdom, loving not their lives, willingly offering their last breath, as with Stephen, praying to you as he was stoned, “Lord, lay not this sin to their charge.” That is a love for fellow men, so very rich, so very full that it absolutely refuses to allow ones “self” any claim upon its ownership and or its abundance.
“He must increase, but I must decrease.” Help us Father.
Daniel
Luke 5: 17-25 “And it came to pass on a certain day, as he was teaching, that there were Pharisees and doctors of the law sitting by, which were come out of every town of Galilee, and Judaea, and Jerusalem: and the power of the Lord was present to heal them. And, behold, men brought in a bed a man which was taken with a palsy: and they sought means to bring him in, and to lay him before him. And when they could not find by what way they might bring him in because of the multitude, they went upon the housetop, and let him down through the tiling with his couch into the midst before Jesus. And when he saw their faith, he said unto him, Man, thy sins are forgiven thee. And the scribes and the Pharisees began to reason, saying, who is this which speaketh blasphemies? Who can forgive sins, but God alone? But when Jesus perceived their thoughts, he answering said unto them, What reason ye in your hearts? Whether is easier, to say, thy sins be forgiven thee; or to say, Rise up and walk? But that ye may know that the Son of man hath power upon earth to forgive sins, (he said unto the sick of the palsy,) I say unto thee, Arise, and take up thy couch, and go into thine house. And immediately he rose up before them, and took up that whereon he lay, and departed to his own house, glorifying God.”
Matthew 25: 1-10 “Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom. And five of them were wise, and five were foolish. They that were foolish took their lamps and took no oil with them: But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps. While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept. And at midnight there was a cry made, behold, the bridegroom cometh; go ye out to meet him. Then all those virgins arose and trimmed their lamps. And the foolish said unto the wise, give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out. But the wise answered, saying, not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves. And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came; and they that were ready went in with him to the marriage: and the door was shut.”