12/18/2020
“Lord, lay not this sin to their charge.” No matter how hard I sought for the phrase to diminish from my thoughts and the guilt that overwhelmed me, the voice that accompanied the words was crystal clear, dripping with a sweetness, certainly not of this world. I could sense with clarity, with a newfound experiential understanding, the passion with which they were spoken years earlier by the young follower of Jesus, Stephen as I relived, to my dismay, the stoning which he endured, witnessing levels of love for his fellow men that alluded me with its ferocity.
The pain which previously had overcome me, one stone at a time, began to subside and I felt a warmth, unsure if it was from the blood that profusely exited my body from multiple avenues or if it was that of the great light that shone so near and in front of me…coming ever so very close with unfathomable power.
My life, those of my early years and later as well, began to flash before my eyes and I was both sickened and elated at the same time. So immature, so full of pride, so full of tradition, so full of religion, I became nauseated and yet, I was enveloped with His grace, His mercy, His compassion, His kindness, and without limits the love that was so very thick, hanging in the air, consuming me in its entirety. I only wanted to cry, to release all that had been bottled up for so many years, to allow myself the freedom which I somehow withheld unwittingly.
The light was now upon me, and though its brightness was in itself a great wonder, an array of color began to flood the visions of a paradise beyond human comprehension. A voice, now thunderous, yet at the same time, so very subtle, began to speak, words which were foreign to me and I simply basked, with all of my senses in utter overload, in the moment, now wholly shrouding me as a participant.
Then, in an instant, the voice, once so filled with power, began to wane as did the light that swaddled me moments earlier and I faintly heard voices familiar to me; those men that I held dear the last few years. One after another, and though I could not make out what was being spoken, they cried with the same intensity similar to that of my out of body experience. I kept hearing my name, over and over again, Paul, Paul, Paul, and soon my eyes began to flutter and come into focus once more. As I reached up to wipe the hinderance of blood, now thickened and sticky from my forehead and eyes, the pain which had subsided and all but disappeared, came flooding back and into my body.
I opened my eyes, now widely, unaware of what I was experiencing, and beheld, with a bit of trepidation, my closest friends, my fellow disciples, those that labored without fail, endured without thoughts of self and carried with great fortitude the cross of Jesus Christ. They stood steadfast, surrounding me and began to smile as I looked deep into each of their eyes, one after another; as if in unison they broke out in praise and thanksgiving as they reached down and lifted me carefully to my feet. We walked slowly, my body now healing with each step, out of the city that attempted to silence our witness. I felt broken if you will, though not so much physically, but more so emotionally, as I savored a fullness of love that I had yet to experience on this side of heaven.
Father, how does a man, one that stood at the threshold of life, ever find himself to be the same after such an experience? Further still how can one speak of such revelation without bringing further attention to themselves, wishing for nothing less than to somehow convey a heart bursting forth with love, thanksgiving and praise to those that need to be the recipients of such? I feel as if it is an impossibility so forgive me for the insertion of “I” as I speak from the deepest confines of my soul. I have been so full Lord, of an incomprehensible, unhindered, outpouring of love, that has humbled me to the point of absolute emotional instability. It is too much Father for one man to be given and certainly too much to be kept for self. How can I exist in the same realm of the living without weeping, sometimes uncontrollably, as I consider those that stood around me, as they did Paul, Father? Steadfast in their resolve to lift my name in its many forms, Daniel, Danny, Murph, to the throne room within heaven and into the ears of your son Jesus with unwavering intercession. Does any man, truly, ever deserve such affection, such warmth, such an enveloping love? I cannot Father, with all that is within me, understand the infinite waves of your love though I thought I had some comprehension. I was sadly, sadly, sadly unaware. This moment of an unplanned, unexpected trial, in contemplation, has never been a “woe is me” experience but rather a “thank you that it was me.” Would I ever have been given a glimpse of heaven, and the love that awaits, without such a moment in my life? I fear, actually know, that my flesh impeded my understanding, the limits of my mind held me captive to the sphere of life on earth and I lived simply naïve to the fullness that you desire for your children.
You impressed upon my spirit with such fragility the thoughts of Isaiah in the meditations we shared. “For the grave cannot praise thee, death cannot celebrate thee: they that go down into the pit cannot hope for thy truth. The living, the living, he shall praise thee, as I do this day: the father to the children shall make known thy truth.” I want to praise thee Father, I long to celebrate you, to thank you for life, for breath, for the opportunity to once again face the day with nothing less than your fullness; I long to rid myself entirely of the abundance and embrace each and every individual that you may allow me the privilege to encounter. The words of John echo within my thought process, now and in this time, “He must increase, but I must decrease.” Without selfish intention, fill us Lord with more of you, so completely that it cannot help but overflow; when the day finds itself diminishing in the darkness of night, may we find ourselves entirely emptied of the blessings that you bestowed upon us for the day. Dare we ask, yet we must, might the process begin once again? Awakening with a hunger, a longing, a desperate yearning for You once more, simply for the day, to be counted as one of the many, “standing round about” for one in need; that they too might experience love, not of this earth!
Daniel
Acts 14:19-20 “And there came thither certain Jews from Antioch and Iconium, who persuaded the people, and, having stoned Paul, drew him out of the city, supposing he had been dead. Howbeit, as the disciples stood round about him, he rose up, and came into the city: and the next day he departed with Barnabas to Derbe.”
2 Corinthians 12: 2 “I knew a man in Christ above fourteen years ago, whether in the body, I cannot tell; or whether out of the body, I cannot tell: God knoweth; such an one caught up to the third heaven…” verse 4 “How that he was caught up into paradise, and heard unspeakable words, which it is not lawful for a man to utter.”